Randoms. From deep in the heart.
- I found a palm tree today. It made me happy because it reminded me of home. It’s funny the things that you used to take for granted, always mean so much to you when you come across them. Then again, maybe palm tree’s exist more in San Antonio than I thought…And I’m just now noticing them….(insert Keanu Reeves meme face here)
- I met a new friend today. His name is Brandon and he is covered in tattoos which gave me an easy way to talk to him. He works where I were but in a totally different department.
- He used to be in the Army and served in Iraq for a year. He was stationed in 6 different places including San Diego and Seattle.
- He told me that coming back here was like taking 10,000 steps backwards for him…that was promising… lol.
- He is cute and nice from what I can tell so far.
- Dakota was a terror at school today, which made me want to fucking stab my eyes out. It annoys me when kids cannot behave…so it’s a million times worse when you find out your kid is the one not behaving.
- Dakota did not get to eat chocolate pudding for dessert. She pretty much through herself into her bed and keeps saying “I’m sorry MA’AM!” with emphasis on the MA’AM.
- The one big thing that sucks about living here in Texas is the damn allergies that I get. I never knew I had allergies until I moved here.
- This morning I battled an hour long migraine, allergy headache. Not cool man, not cool.
- I love Silversun Pickups, which is funny because I have listened to them non-stop the last week. You’d think they just had an album come out…nope…just on a kick to listening to Silversun. It will probably last an eternity.
- I can’t breathe out of my nose right now.
- This sunday I want to take an adventure. I’m thinking a photo adventure with Dakota, my Canon and I…and nature.
- I got my education card from work today to pay for my school…now the only problem is I might need to switch my major because my original is not one that is approved by their education program. LAME.
- Oh. I’m not going into the military. Well, maybe the reserves. Apparently I cannot join active military duty as I was promised because I am a single parent and I would have to give up custody of Dakota…and there is no way in hell I would ever do that. It’s okay….wasn’t meant to be.
- I miss talking to certain people..and I know it works both ways…but it still kinda sucks and hurts…oh well…if they really wanted to talk to me they would right?
Pursuit of Happyness
I once had a conversation with a lady who was a frequent visitor to the Salon Centric in Hillcrest, at which I was the store manager. We knew each other not only on a professional level, but also on a personal level, which always made me look forward to the minute she stepped foot into my store-like warehouse of shampoo and styling products. ”You know Michelle, you have to do what makes you happy. If you like to go to the bar, go to the bar and get yourself a cocktail. If you like to paint, go get yourself a blank canvas and make a masterpiece. If you like to jump up and down on one foot, then jump up and down on one foot and do it with a huge smile on your face.” She said it so matter-of-factly. I think at this time I was happy, but maybe I just didn’t realize it.
I was 25-years-old and newly single after a very long and painful end to an unpromising engagement with Clint. I was also still, at this time, a new mom. Dakota was a little over a year old and a beautiful joy in my life. My parents were moving to Texas and I was out on my own in the world with my room mate Lynn and her son Aiden who was about a year older than Dakota. I was barely making it on my own financially but what I did lack in funds, I made up in laughter, friendships and unlimited access to one of my most favorite places in the world. The beach. I guess you could say I was pretty happy. I had many a great time with friends whom I had lost during the course of my relationship with Clint. I had Amber and Julia back in my life which allowed me to reconnect with so many other friends who I never kept up with. I was pretty heart broken and distrustful of the opposite sex after what happened in that little San Diego apartment in Golden Hill, but that didn’t stop me from remaining open and hopeful of future romances. Nevertheless, I stayed single and did not pursue a relationship with anyone. I guess looking back on my life I was still very happy.
Fast-forward to a few years later in Texas…
I am 28-years-old and living in the middle of what could have been known as Mexico, but is better known as the city of San Antonio. I have a great job with a financial and insurance company, you may have heard of it: USAA. Although it’s not what I had always pictured my self doing, and it is kind of monotonous, it pays relatively well, provides great benefits and gets me through school. Dakota is now 4-years-old going on 22 and her personality is blooming before my eyes. After a failure of far too many long distance relationships, I still find myself single and in a way still heart broken and distrustful of the opposite sex. I keep busy by going to work, going to school to finish out my Bachelor’s degree and raising Dakota as a single parent, with the help of my parents whom we live with. I ask myself the question, “are you doing what makes you happy?” I can confidently answer that with a big fat NO. If I were to fall down dead tomorrow, I would have lived an unfilled life. This scares the shit out of me. I need to change this. I need purpose.
I have a goal. I have many goals. I want to make time to do things that make me happy. I used to write a lot. That is one of the things that always made me feel good, hence me writing in this blog after such a long hiatus. I will try to write in it whenever I have the time to unload my thoughts. I bottle things up too much. I also want to get back into photography. There is something about being behind my camera and capturing the rawness of the world. The way thing’s really are. It gives me such pleasure and happiness. I also want to make more relationships. Not only a romantic relationship, but relationships with friends. I need more friends in Texas. I miss too many people in California, but I think not allowing myself to make friends here is a disservice to not only myself…but potential life-long friends here. I really need to meet a cute fellow here. I’m tired of not having an intimate relationship. Cute Texan boys who have similar interests to me: I AM SENDING OUT THIS MESSAGE OUT INTO THE WORLD. FIND ME!
I think if I can accomplish at least a couple of these goals, I will be on my way to being the happier person I once was. And if not at least I will know that I at least tried to pursue it.
I’m going to get happy. Stay Tuned.
All heart, no logic.
For me, the most accurate portrayals that I have gotten of strangers have been presented through their words. There is no denying that the educated tend to be a bit more eloquent in their speech; that being said, when things are written in a timely manner, and shared with another, one can almost count on it being straight from the heart. It’s easy to spot an emotionally driven writer. The words are almost always there, but the structure seems to be broken…broken in an almost mentally disconnected state. Not to say that the writing is garbage, rather that it is rarely perfect in a grammatical sense. That being said, emotional writing (unless the intention is to publish said work) should never be corrected. It’s the beauty in the breakdown, and structural imperfections that tip one off to the validity in the words attempting to be conveyed from one heart to another. One heart to another? Notice I never mentioned the mind? Emotional writing is rarely logical. Keep the brain out of the equation. One wouldn’t want to bastardize the subject matter. I am feeling emotional. I am going to write a bit without using logic.
“Sometimes I see things in life, and I just feel drawn to them without any sort of formal introduction, or education on the subject matter. I just follow the tug in my heart, and pursue what feels right. Sometimes people end up getting hurt. Other times, I end up hurting myself. Never is there a regret, because never is there “what if” type of situation to ponder. So hearts get broken, and boundaries are tested. Where is the fault in that? Nothing in life is promised, except for death. Unlike most, I embrace the pain. Some people feel the sting and cower. They run to their safe place which is rarely safe at all, and sulk in their misery for a period, before shutting off emotionally, detaching them from anything positive, and become numb. Call me crazy if you must, but I would rather feel the harsh sting of letdown, disappointment, and heartbreak, knowing all the while that I am still alive and kicking; than to shut down and become emotionless and numb. The point that I am trying to convey is my inability to stay in one place with nothing but a dream.” Dreams are fiction unless one turns them into goals, and goals are attained by forward progression. If years pass and no steps are taken to pursue a goal, then one is simply chasing dreams, and that is a waste of time. If someone truly wants something, they will fight for it, and make sacrifices in order to attain it. If they don’t, then they forfeit their right to whatever it is that they want, and they shut the fuck up about it when someone with more drive and determination takes it. Life isn’t fair, and no one has the right to anything. Work for your freedoms, work for your goals, work for your loves, and passions. Work your ass off, and shut up. Romance never died. Don’t ever question that. The people redefined it, and made it unrealistic. Romance is dark, twisted and painful. Romance is pain because of love. Romance is self-sacrifice, and giving up one opportunity in order to pursue another. The strongest swords are heated, bent, twisted, and hammered to perfection. Why should love live outside of scientific properties?”